The Depressed Moth of Hathmere Hollow
- Ollie Murphy
- Jan 7, 2021
- 10 min read
Updated: Jan 6, 2022
So, a moth goes into a podiatrist’s office, and the podiatrist’s office says, “What seems to be the problem, moth?”
There comes a time in a DM's life where they randomly think up a good/funny/weird session idea and have to decide whether they have the cajones to pull it off. Well that was me, just under a month into hosting this campaign. I was pondering the very existence of the universe and my place in it one summer's eve, when I stumbled upon one of my favourite jokes by Canadian Comedian Norm MacDonald. When you have the simplest of ideas, the best next step is to try and flesh it out. I refreshed myself on the joke and decided how it could have a D&D application. The basis of the joke is about a moth who wanders into a podiatrist's office in a seemingly depressed manor. That wouldn't work, I want there to be a combat basis. It's time to ponder further. Oh but haza! There's a giant moth terrorising nearby towns, what a fabulous and stupid concept, and I could squeeze story elements in too. Marvellous.
The moth says “What’s the problem? Where do I begin, man? I go to work for Gregory Illinivich, and all day long I work."
When we left the adventurers last, they were stood outside the Laughing Rat having defeated some Redbrand Ruffians and were deciding whether they should tackle Tresendar Manor and the Glassstaff. They obviously decided such an XP cruncher was a little above them so decided to look for some side quests. Excellent. In that moment the owner of the Laughing Rat, Belind LaPhroigh, a stout man with a wimpish demeanour emerged from within the tavern and thanked the group, offering them some free drinks as a sign of his gratitude. The group obviously accepted because even fake free beer is still free beer. The group and Belind got down to chatting and he informed them of the bulletin board near the town hall. Now, the bulletin board is an RPG classic, if you ever want your players to find a side quest but can't figure out a Skyrim-esque way how, go the Witcher route and let them read about it.
"Honestly doc, I don’t even know what I’m doing anymore. I don’t even know if Gregory Illinivich knows. He only knows that he has power over me, and that seems to bring him happiness."
The group decided to go and check the board. They stood before the piece of wood, firmly planted in the ground. On it were several notices. They scanned through a lot of 'missing dog' and 'missing cat' before finally seeing a very frantic looking note. Nestled behind the barrage of missing pet notices was a grubby piece of parchment with shoddy handwriting on it. 'HUGE WINGED CREATURE HARASSING NEARBY SETTLEMENTS! SEE NARM MACDEN AS MACDEN'S MEATS AND GOODS FOR MORE INFORMATION'. The note had clear urgency to it so the group made haste to MacDen's Meats and Goods for more information. They arrived at a small but well kept wooden shack deep into town, they decided to enter. Inside it was just as well kept as the exterior of the building. Fine woodwork was present as meats and food goods lined the shelves around the shop. From the back emerged a man, Narm MacDen.
"But I don’t know, I wake up in a malaise, and I walk here and there… at night I… I sometimes wake up and I turn to some old lady in my bed that’s on my arm. A lady that I once loved, doc."
The group and Narm speak for a bit and they inform him they're here because of his notice. His face twists with mild delight and he replies; ‘About time someone came about that, yes, it’s rather distressing all this but a few miles north of here there’s a settlement smaller than this one, Menhil, completely harmless, mainly deals in lumber and general wood. For a little while now they’ve had people go missing, dead of night, a strong wind, a brief scream and nothing else. Gone. I have a brother who lives there, not long ago they had a massive attack, what they described as a winged beast of death swooped down one night, causing anarchy, smashing up buildings, killing folk. I headed over there as soon as I could and walked through blood and bones in the streets of Menhil, trying to find my brother. He was in northern Neverwinter. I decided enough was enough, I never saw the beast but I saw what it did. I will pay you lot 20 gold each if you can find this beast and end it.’ The group chatted with Narm and bartered for more money. Once agreed on where they have to go and what they have to do, he directs them towards the place where the beast was suspected to live, a cave called Hathmere Hollow. They set off.
"I don’t know where to turn to. My youngest, Alexendria, she fell in the… in the cold of last year. The cold took her down, as it did many of us."
On the walk I had the group RP, a bit of pre-battle banter. They seemed to unanimously agree it was a Dragon based on the description. I mean, who'd assume it was a Moth? Eventually, the group arrived at Hathmere Hollow. The immediate impression did little to impress. It was a grim cave opening, damp and creepy vines hung down in front of the mouth of the cave and broken bones littered the entrance way. They headed inside. The smell of death hit them instantly, bad shit happened here. They carefully stepped down a dark and damp corridor, doing their best to avoid stepping on bones and deathly debris. The corridor became increasingly lighter as eventually they reached a small cross. The dark corridor head off the way it was supposed to but an unexpected opening in the wall lead into a dimly lit room. Curiosity took hold and they decided to quickly explore this new room. The room seemed fairly normal. Griffin, Glirin and Ariadne stepped into the seemingly harmless room. Suddenly they heard a faint cracking sound and without warning, the floor below them crumbled and they fell into an abyss.
"And my other boy, and this is the hardest pill to swallow, doc. My other boy, Gregarro Ivinalititavitch… I no longer love him."
The three of them found themselves at the base of a natural chimney, minor harm done to all. They signalled to the rest of the group to press on and that they would try and re-group as soon as they could. The above-group decided to press on through the dank corridor. As they progressed on their walk they noticed a very modest amount of light trickling out of another small passage up ahead. They headed towards it and found themselves standing in another doorway to another small chamber. They checked the floor wouldn't crumble and headed inside. Candles and heaps of wax were littered around the room, creating a soft golden glow. Directly ahead of them, the wall was covered in meticulous tribal inscriptions and drawings. The art depicted warriors and adventurers, each wielding various weapons, and they were all heading towards the centre of the wall, where a tapestry was hung. The centre of the tapestry showed a great winged beast hovering over a roaring flame. Below there was an inscription in Abyssal which read; 'Beware the flame and the wings of death, warriors clash and warriors fall at the mercy of the creature of the dark, beware the flame and wings of death, turn back now or your end will be stark'. Slightly taken aback by that, they wallowed for a second before being interrupted by three very angry Wolves chained up on the other side of the chamber.
"As much as it pains me to say, when I look in his eyes, all I see is the same cowardice that I… that I catch when I take a glimpse of my own face in the mirror."
Down in the under-cave, the three adventurers decided to head down the dark corridor that lay before them, in an attempt to find a way up. They pressed on through the corridor until they saw a faint light ahead of them. They headed towards it and saw a narrow archway. They went through it and one by one they emerged into an ethereal hollow, there were twinkling blue and yellow balls of light flickering around and beautiful flowers covered the floor around them. The walls were covered with colourful vines and luscious vegetation. As they glanced around the wondrous chamber they noticed a jagged rock with a flat top in the centre. The rock resembled a tree trunk and embedded within the trunk, was a sword. How very Arthurian. They stepped toward the sword, edging ever so slightly closer. Within an instant however, the flowers around them began to wilt and die, as the vines and vegetation on the wall began to turn a putrid black. A chilling laugh echoed around the chamber. Beyond the sword, the wall began to crack and a hole appeared. The hole was black and all consuming, it began to ebb and flow as if it was liquid. 'You fools.' Echoed around the chamber as a dark energy filled the room. From the ebbing and flowing hole emerged an Elf, he was wearing a long and grand cloak. He walked up to the sword and rested his hand upon the jewelled hilt. He stared them down, laughing.
"If only I wasn’t such a coward, then perhaps… perhaps I could bring myself to reach over to that cocked and loaded gun that lays on the bedside behind me and end this hellish facade once and for all… Doc,"
Back on top, the other adventurers had a small wolf problem to deal with. Luckily, they easily dealt with that. They sorted themselves out and decided to get back on the original path, aiming to find the giant winged beast. They stepped back into the dark corridor and pressed on. Eventually they reached a heavy stone door, covered in marks of weaponry and splashes of blood. They managed to pull the door open and stepped into a huge chamber. The chamber was at least 50 ft wide and the walls arched up into darkness. In the centre of the ceiling was a large hole, the moon barely visible through the clouds. In the middle of the room was a huge fire, burning intensely. They moved towards the fire to try and investigate it. Just beyond the fire they noticed a giant stone perch covered with claw marks and surrounded by the remains of previous warriors who had fought there. Suddenly a deafening screech echoed around the room as above them a giant Moth swooped in and smashed down on to the perch. The Moth stared down the group with its beady eyes. 'Ah yes, another feast presents itself to me'. The group and the Moth spoke for a bit, hoping to learn something about it. The Moth revealed it had lived in the chamber for a long time and attacked the local settlements when it became hungry. They argued with the Moth, stating that what it was doing was wrong. 'ENOUGH OF YOUR PRATTLING MORAL SUPERIORITY! I GROW HUNGRY!'. The Moth swooped to attack.
"sometimes I feel like a spider, even though I’m a moth, just barely hanging on to my web with an everlasting fire underneath me. I’m not feeling good."
The Elf stood there in his glimmering magnificence and smiled at the group. 'I did not think you would be stupid enough to come here, I didn't expect to see you so soon.' Bewildered by that comment, the group asked the Elf who he was. He gave vague and unconvincing answers and finally decided he had had enough. 'This conversation bores me you witless fools, you have forced me to advance my timeline and I cannot allow that!'. The Elf closed his eyes and raised his hands. The chamber began to shake and parts of the floor viciously cracked open. Rotted hands emerged from the hole and smashed down on to the ground. One by one a small army of zombies clambered out from the ground, fashioning weapons. Ready to fight. A small battle ensued as the zombies hacked and slashed, they eventually were taken down by the brave adventurers and faded into the dirt. The Elf snarled and attacked, killing Griffin. He then threw Glirin and Ariadne to the entrance of the chamber and disappeared in a flash. Ariadne and Glirin raced to Griffin's aid, but it was too late. He faded into the abyss as his soul faded away. It was in that moment that Glirin decided to try and retrieve the sword from the stone. He grabbed the jewelled hilt and summoned every ounce of strength he had left, the blade sparked against the stone as he pulled it out. As it was pulled out the sword began to change, the dull blade glistened and became razor sharp and the grubby hilt shone as the gems became clearer. Around the hilt were Elvish inscriptions that read; The Blade of Sedruid the Abyssal, may it protect you from harm. The sword had the ability to deflect and dismantle magic. In that very instant, Griffin shot awake, he had come back. His soul was lost, but he was not. They rested for a moment before they noticed a small staircase carved into the far wall which lead to a small opening in the ceiling.
"And so the doctor says, “Moth, man, you’re troubled. But you should be seeing a psychiatrist. Why on earth did you come here?”
Above ground, the rest of the group battled with the Moth. It swooped and clawed at them whilst they hacked and slashed at it. Eventually they'd done enough damage to have the beast on tenterhooks, it struggled and smashed down on to its perch. On the other side of the chamber, Ariadne, Griffin and Glirin emerged from the small hole. The group ran to land another blow on the Moth but it screeched out 'WAIT!', they stopped and stared at the Moth for a second. 'YOU HAVE THE SWORD! USE IT! DESTROY THE FLAME!'. Glirin ran over and hacked at the flame with his new sword. The flame wavered and shook and then expanded and exploded, sending embers and sparks around the chamber. The Moth then collapsed in a heap of feathers and blood, it was dying. The group went over to the beast and asked what the flame was. 'A great sorcerer, Gregaro the Defiler, set this pire many centuries ago, none know why exactly. Some say to warn people away from a treasure, but others think it was to keep something far worse than any of us could imagine from making its way back to this world. But I am not here to protect the fire.' Confused, the group asked why the Moth was here if not that.
And the moth says, “‘Cause the light was on.”
And there it was, the very concept of the session, the joke that started it all. I began this adventure with a punchline and from there I built up what I could consider to be the best session I have hosted up until now. The Moth then died, its body crumbled to dust and the wind arrived and carried it up into the night sky. Their plight was over. Or so they thought. The chamber they grew dark, and cold. The last embers of the Eternal Flame flicked out, plunging the room into semi-darkness. Then the spot where the fire sat began to rumble. The ground around it began to crack and shake. A wave of darkness and smoke emerged from the crack in the ceiling and flew up to the night sky, a deathly laugh going with it.
What had they just unleashed on to the world? I guess that's what you get when you retell a joke your driver told you.
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